Anam Cara
Sue and I had been what I called "anam cara" (or soul friends in Irish) since we were in 9th grade. We could not have been closer. We celebrated all our milestones together including the births of our combined 7 children. She is Godmother to my youngest. In spite of living in different states and the occasional lapse in communication we remained each others touch stones. Neither one of us had especially happy marriages and we cried on each others shoulders frequently. We always had a fantasy of becoming single and doing the "Kate and Allie" thing. I don't know how I would have gotten through many of my tragedies without her. I believe she felt the same way.
In 1999 an opportunity presented itself to me to connect with an old boyfriend whom I had always believed was my true soulmate. As I was already planning my exit from my joyless marriage I made the regretful decision to have an affair with him. My now exhusband was a good man who did not deserve to be treated that way and I will always have to deal with the guilt I still have over not leaving him in the honest way he deserved. Be that as it may, Sue had always known of my feelings for the other man and COMPLETELY supported my decision to begin the affair saying that I deserved happiness and I was leaving my husband anyway. She actually became my "excuse" for being away for various weekends. If she ever had any hesitancy about being my alibi she never let on. And we NEVER had any problem with complete honesty with each other.
I continued the affair for a year+ before I eventually told my husband. But in the meantime, during one of my weekend visits with my lover, Sue invited us to dinner to meet her new love (she had left her abusive marriage several years before). Keep in mind that she knew my boyfriend from many years earlier when I had dated him. I was so excited. The 4 of us would become friends together and Sue and I could share in each others new found happiness.
We arrived at her house and were all in wonderful moods. Sue seemed happy to see my man again after so many years and took me aside to mention how gorgeous he still was. I was happy to meet the man who was making her so happy as well.
We all started drinking...a cocktail before dinner, then wine with dinner followed by after dinner cordials!! I am a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and I got pretty blasted pretty quickly. During the meal, Sue sat across from my man and at one point asked him were his feet were. In hind sight I realize she was trying to play footsies with him! But not to worry. Sue was always a flirt and I wouldn't have minded if it had stopped there. During the period after our meal while we were having our cordials I suddenly ended up face down at the table--passed right out according to my boyfriend who had never seen me do that before and to this day hasn't seen it again. I came to with a strong need to run to the bathroom to be sick. I guess I was in there for an hour or two. Both Sue and my boyfriend came in frequently to see how I was. After an indeterminate length of time I finally sobered up enough to leave the bathroom. When I exited the room I was greeted by almost total darkness in the living room. As my eyes adjusted I cam across a sight I will never forget--- my man bending over a prone Sue on the couch. I gasped and started crying. Both of them jumped up and tried to assure me that nothing had happened. I was inconsolable. I threw myself down on a bed while both of them tried to comfort me. They weren't aware that I was sober enough by that time to hear and absorb everything they were saying to each other. Sue was saying "what am I going to do? She's my heart. I can't lose her". He was saying, "Sue, you've always been a tease". Anyway, he finally got me out of there and we went back to his house where I was going to expect a real good explanation for what I saw. I had no idea what had become of Sue's boyfriend through all of this.
He explained that while I was in the bathroom, Sue's boyfriend eventually passed out as well in a bed. Sue went to join him but left the door open. My boyfriend spent the next several minutes just pacing, waiting for me to feel better. At one point Sue called him in to the bedroom where she and her guy were. He was fast asleep. My guy got closer to the bed as Sue was trying to whisper something to him When he was close enough she reached into his shorts and fondled him. He was completely caught off guard and retreated. He admitted to me that it was not an unpleasant thing. But he was pretty freaked out about it. At that point he says he came to see me in the bathroom to try to get me to leave. He felt that things had gotten too weird and he just wanted out. But I still wasn't budging! He went back into the living room and paced some more. At some point Sue came out of the bedroom she was in and lay down on the couch. She called him over to her and asked him to sit down on the edge of the couch which he stupidly did. He claims she pulled him down on top of her and at that point I exited the bathroom and saw them together.
I was furious with both of them but I believed his story and he begged my forgiveness. He admitted that he was flattered and didn't try too hard to resist but he maintained that she was the aggressor. I went back to my home the next day heartbroken believing that I could never forgive Sue.
A few days past and I didn't hear from Sue. I was expecting something in the way of an apology. I had calmed down and decided that we were all blasted and I wasn't going to throw away a 34 yr old friendship over it. When 3 days past I couldn't take it anymore and I called her. All she could say was that she didn't remember anything and that I didn't make a very good impression on HER boyfriend. She also said that my man wasn't the man my soon to be ex was. If she didn't remember anything why would she say that? All I wanted was a simple apology and her side of the story if she wanted me to hear it. I was getting ready to move to where I would only be 20 min. from her...the realization of our lifelong dreams to be able to see each other whenever we wanted. I was NOT going to let some bad behavior during a drunken evening come between us. A SIMPLY "I'M SORRY IF I DID ANYTHING TO HURT YOU". To this day I'm heart broken that our friendship wasn't worth that to her. I have made a few attempts at reconciliation to no avail. She treats me like she was the victim in it. I contacted her several months ago with one last attempt at which time (via e-mail) she announced that that night was a closed subject. She also reiterated as she had during previous attempts on my part that what I did to my ex was so wrong. AND SHE HAD BEEN MY BIGGEST SUPPORTER UNTIL THAT NIGHT.
My family all know the story and try to comfort me by saying she wasn't who I thought she was and it's ultimately her loss. I was always there for her. I've gone through a lot of bad stuff the past few years including almost dying and not having her has made those times even harder. I miss her (or who I thought she was) more than I can say. The void in my life is tremendous. I have no other real close friends to whom I can tell everything. By the way I am still with the same man 5 years later and although we have our ups and downs he has been completely faithful to me. I also believe that she gave some kind of twisted version of the story to mutual acquaintances who have ceased casual contact with me. She had always been better at keeping in touch with them so it makes sense that they would believe her.
Well that's my story of lost friendship. I'm not sure I will ever completely get over it. I am going out today to buy your book in the hope of finding some comfort in the words of others who have been through similar heartbreaks.
Thanks for giving me a forum.